The soldier's life...

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The soldier's life...

Post by SGTdude » Thu Dec 12, 2013 6:14 pm

I am not doing this for attention.

I am not doing this for pity.

I am just doing this so people know.
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I went to the mall tonight, and it started with me walking with my wife and son trying to decide on a gift for a secret santa party. It ended with me standing at a Victoria's Secret counter crying as I was paralyzed with fear and indecision as I tried to pay for some pajamas for my wife.

I am a twice-deployed veteran and my goal is to share some of the dirty little secrets of what being in the military is like. I am doing this to inform those who never serve about the lifelong burden that is carried by those who do. I do this in the hopes that there will be a greater understanding and appreciation for veterans, especially for the ones who can't just take a pill or see a therapist because they carry marks that only death can take from them. What you choose to do with this knowledge is up to you.

I neither expect to be the only veteran on these forums, nor do think I am the worst off. I personally know men who are really screwed up. But I am a writer, so I write for myself, and for them, and for all of us, but I write so that people can know what it is really like. Thank you in advance for taking the time to seriously consider this material.


Stress/Anxiety
I commented just a few minutes ago that I can relate to Fumbles in the latest comic. We know from the comic that his mind was "broken" but we have seen him converse with the other goblins. So he is somewhat getting back to normal, right? No. He sees Kore and literally cant even form words. THunt didnt just make a comic, that is one way it can be. Really.

I started out tonight going to the mall a little on edge. But I was "fine". Im tough. I have been through two combat deployments. Its just "operational stress" or what me and my wife call "go-mode". Im ok. And I really thought I was until I went into the store with my son because he needed his juice. Only we didnt bring any juice. So my wife took him and asked me to pay for the pj's I picked out for her. But the one counter wasn't open. And the lady at the other counter didnt seem like she knew how to ring up items. And what is this paper that goes with the pj's? And where is the price tag because I cant ring it up if I dont have that? And who helped you? And where is my wife because now all I can do is bury my face in my hands and cry and take deep breaths and wish with every fiber of my being that all of reality would go away, or that my wife would come rescue me, or anything because I am drowning in my own anxiety.

I am not scared of Victoria's Secret and have no apprehensions about going in the place, even if I am alone. I am not afraid of being away from my wife. Its just one thing, on top of another thing, covered by another thing, which all adds up to a spear rammed through my very fragile wall of defense against completely freaking out in public. I didn't even care if they called the cops on me because they were scared. I was too afraid to move and had no idea what I was supposed to do.


My point is that anxiety is like that for soldiers. Some would say the healthy ones dont have freak outs. I call those ones the real crazy ones cuz they just keep pushing all that negative crap down inside of them until one day it all comes spewing out. Some would say I am weak. And maybe I am. Maybe I suck at dealing with anxiety. But it is definitely true that being a deployed soldier is literally like being mind-raped: no matter how much you tell yourself that you are fine and normal afterwards, you aren't and quite possibly wont be ever again. For some of us, the defenses to the damage that is done are so warn down that when it hits, there is literally no way to stop it. You just get swept away by the moment and freak out until you calm down and feel better. Every soldier you meet who has been deployed deals with this. Some deal with it and have no negative repercussions. Most hide their secret wounds and mimic being normal so well that even fellow soldiers who know the individual for years cant tell. The rest either try to get help or dont get help but admit the problem and, regardless of their choice, are left with invisible wounds that may not ever heal.

I can talk to you about why I have anxiety problems, but it doesnt really matter. It doesn't matter what label is on it either. Because I am just one guy and there are uncounted multitudes of me. So what matters is that you understand that I (in this case representing every deployed soldier) did something because I knew it was the right thing to do for the sake of others. And I suffered for it. And I wouldn't even take back what I did if I could because it was that important. But I suffer. I try to make the best of it. I try to be normal. But sometimes I cant because it just doesnt work for me. I dont need your "thank you for your service", I dont need you to champion the cause of wounded soldier issues. I just need you to see me, being any soldier who has ever deployed, as someone who took one for you and be patient with me when I mess something up, or cant keep it together. Because its no longer as easy for me as it is for you, at least not at that moment. And if you really want to help, you tell me that my freak out doesnt matter. That no matter how bad I screw up, or how many times, you will still be there as my friend. Because that is the kind of solidarity a wounded soldier needs.
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Re: The soldier's life...

Post by SGTdude » Sat Dec 14, 2013 3:50 pm

Mrs. Soldier
I can not speak for men who are married to soldiers, I can only speak from what I know. And what I know is that the soldier's wife is the true unsung hero of war.

I am no fool: part of the reason the divorce rate in the military is so high, at times exceeding the civilian rate, is because spouses dont really care and they give up when times get tough. I am not talking about those people. I am talking about the wives who go through multiple deployments and sessions of child-rearing all by themselves. It is a job which severely underpays and is never properly rewarded or praised in public.

Consider this, if it was just a job it would be easy. The soldier is here, not here, doesnt matter: the job is to maintain the household so might as well do it as though you are the only dependable one, and not invest yourself emotionally in the work environment. But thats not the way it is. A soldier's wife lives with the person she, at least at one time, says is the most perfect person for her and whom she wants to spend as many waking moments with as possible. So its hard when that woman's true love is away for an entire year, and is under real threat of death daily. And we haven't even started talking about kids yet.

Raising a kid is just hard, and mom's will in nearly every situation carry the brunt of that load. Imagine how much harder it is to know you have someone who loves you and cares for you and is not present to help raise, care for, or even be exposed to the child you made together. This isn't like single parenting because in those situations one partner is willfully absent. And most likely not living in a place where every day someone wants to kill them.

But lets just assume a loving dutiful soldier's wife does have a child, which the husband misses the birth of, and raises it for a year on her own while her husband is away. She still has to grapple with the fact that this husband and lover who has swept back into her life could be gone again in as little as 6 months (and I have seen it happen with shorter breaks). The only time a soldier's wife gets a true break is when the soldier is no longer a soldier. But by then the damage has been done.

Because this person whom she loves with all her heart is not normal. They are damaged and scarred. And these wounds can be infectious. There is an element of mental/behavioral wounds where the spouse can end up actually taking on the symptoms of the wounded soldier. I have seen my wife react anxiously to things that will cause me significant anxiety; she explained to me one time that she has basically been conditioned to react that way because I always react to said stimuli. So not only is the soldier's wife an exhausted single mother, a worried wife constantly thinking about her husbands welfare, and a pining lover waiting for a chance to be together again, she also becomes a sponge for negative emotions and behavior simply because the soldier suffers from afflictions they cant really control.

And do they get a pay check for this? Or maybe a medal? Or a parade?

No.

And many times they don't even get much of a "thank you" from anyone that doesn't live with them.

And they do it by choice, volunteering just as willfully as her husband the soldier.


And whats sad is that these women dont even want your pity or your help/care. They just want to feel normal, even though they cant because their life will never be normal so long as they are a 'military spouse'. So next time you meed a soldier's wife, try to remember you just might be standing in the presence of one of the strongest, most heroic women you will ever meet. And then take them out for coffee or something else that normal wives do. You will never know how much it means to them, but its alot.
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Re: The soldier's life...

Post by Wolfie » Mon Dec 16, 2013 8:31 am

Don't forget the children of the Military family either. They get to live without one parent, and sometimes without both parents if they are both in the military, for months on end. The kids can be treated like cattle, shuffled from one relative to the next, moving every other year, never really being able to settle anywhere for any length of time. They can't keep friends for long if they're part of the shuffle.

Even if they aren't part of the shuffle, they get to live in a single family home and see one parent only part of the year, like they were a Grandparent that lived half the country away.

The Military is a hard life, for the soldier, the wife/husband, the kids, and the family. It's hard for outsiders to understand and it's hard to explain.

I speak from experience, I grew up in the Air Force and both of my parents, as well as my step-father, served for over 25 years each. They all got to see combat, got deployed overseas for months on end, and came back as different people. All the while, I got the Continental tour from Pennsylvania to California. Ten states in total by the time I turned 15 years old. I have Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and my Brother in different branches of the military. My brother served three tours in Iraq and came back with a traumatic brain injury that he didn't tell anyone about for months, because he didn't want us to worry. He and his wife divorced (short story version: he was on his 2nd tour in Iraq and she was stuck with a 2 yr old in Germany with no family closer than the States.) and later got re-married when he finally got back to the States. It is a hard life that requires more sacrifices from more people than is ever told.

I make a point to thank a Vet when I see them because I know, at least peripherally, what they go through. I thank their families as well for supporting them and being our soldiers at home. I also stand up for our Military members, because of their sacrifice of themselves, when others decide to make pot shots at them.

Walk a mile in a Marine's shoes. Or trade those shoes for an Army soldier's boots or a Navy or Air Force pair.

The members of the military are not perfect, but I do believe they deserve respect. Their families are also members of the military, even if they didn't enlist as well.
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Re: The soldier's life...

Post by SGTdude » Mon Dec 16, 2013 9:02 am

Well said Wolfie. My focus is mainly on the soldier who has deployed but kids are often a forgotten part of the equation. I will mention this briefly in my next post.
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Re: The soldier's life...

Post by LAYF » Mon Dec 16, 2013 9:26 am

Thanks for making this SGT.
You have no idea how good the timing is.
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-Best regards LAYF

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Re: The soldier's life...

Post by SGTdude » Mon Dec 16, 2013 9:41 am

Well I was thinking about doing it because there are honestly things that civilians dot get about deployed soldiers (which will be especially evident in the next post). It was the anxiety attack and the way the people in Victorias Secret looked at me like "what's wrong with him?" that prompted me to finally do it.

But I did this to help everyone: civilians to help them understand and wounded vets to give them a voice and a place to speak out and, most importantly, to let them know they are alone.

So in case it wasnt obvious, this thread is open for others to comment and share their wisdom about to best care for deployed soldiers and those that love them. My next post, which is honestly the hardest to write, will go up sometime later today.
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Re: The soldier's life...

Post by SGTdude » Mon Dec 16, 2013 11:02 am

I have marked this post as 'members only' due to the nature of the content. Read at your own risk.
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Re: The soldier's life...

Post by ThroughTheWell » Wed Dec 18, 2013 5:48 pm

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Re: The soldier's life...

Post by SGTdude » Wed Dec 18, 2013 6:08 pm

Trauma can happen to anyone. And not every soldier is exposed to trauma. However, from my experience soldiers who deploy to a foreign warzone experience some unique struggles and trauma that others do not, even those who do similar type jobs such as police, firemen, emergency room nurses, etc.

The purpose of this thread is not to diminish the significance of trauma that civilians can experience, but to provide some information about the unique trama of being a deployed soldier. I have one other post I want to make, but the rest of this thread is for any veteran or civilian to share their wisdom or stories about life with/as a formerly deployed soldier.

If there is an interest in discussing other types of trauma that members of this community experience, it would probably be more fitting to give it its own thread.
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Re: The soldier's life...

Post by ThroughTheWell » Wed Dec 18, 2013 6:31 pm

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Re: The soldier's life...

Post by RocketScientist » Tue Dec 24, 2013 7:52 pm

Everybody is fucked up. For real. Some people are only a little bit, some people are a lot. But we're all on the same continuum. The more you've been through, the more you've seen, the more likely you are to have scars. Freak out if you need to. It's all good. I've had breakdowns in public, and I haven't been through what you have.

And FWIW, there's nothing wrong with being weak. It bugs me that society despises weakness. We treat moments of weakness like they're some kind of stain on a human being, rather than saying, "gee, that person is feeling weak. How can I help?"

Anyway, yeah. It manifests differently for you, because what you've been through is different, but you're not alone. And if I see someone having a panic attack in public, I may not know whether s/he's a soldier (unless s/he's in uniform, obviously), but I can usually tell a panic attack when I see one. And yeah, I understand, and it's ok.

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Re: The soldier's life...

Post by SGTdude » Wed Dec 25, 2013 5:51 pm

Reintegration
This is my last thought for the foreseeable future on the topic of providing insight into the life of a deployed soldier, so it is appropriate that it should end here. Reintegration is the process where a soldier, even if they remain on active duty, rejoins society back home and transitions back to a normal life which is free from the stressors and pains of a deployed life. This is supposed to represent the end of the journey for the deployed soldier, or at least the peaceful rest time in between deployments.

But often it is not that way. Even if a soldier deploys and then returns home to leave the military and rejoin society as a civilian.

Its honestly not surprising either. While there has been some comment about trauma being universal, and in a sense that is true, there really is no comparison between civilians who hold somewhat normal jobs and the deployed soldier. This isn't said to lessen the degree of trauma, but focus on the specific manner in which it occurs and, in this case, how it affects "homecoming."

A soldier who deploys to a war zone goes knowing they are part of a death machine. Although the mission may be "winning hearts and minds" every soldier knows the reality that both will be splattered on the battlefield before the year is over, and they may be required to directly take part. Perhaps I am wrong on this, but based on my experience and perspective you can not ask someone to become a killer and not expect negative repercussions. And this is exactly what happens, as they saying goes in the U.S. Army "every soldier is Infantry." I will not try to paint a simple picture of stress from potentially (or perhaps actually) having to take the life of another human being. It is not that simple. The stresses involved in being a deployed soldier are layered, complex, and not as easily resolved as they are hidden and ignored. I would say the bottom line is that, even if just in a small way, a soldier willing becomes a monster in order to deploy. Less than human. Broken on purpose in order to do what things that are not broken can not do. This is not a one time act of terror. This is a willfully submissive act of transformation that endures over the course of a year long deployment.

What is supposed to happen at the end of this journey is that the human being, just like the military organization, should "reset" in order to prepare for the next mission. But you can't simply reset after turning into a monster. In the reality which we occupy, there is no such existence as that of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde that is healthy. To come home to people who want to tell you "its ok, you are not over there anymore" is a challenge because you are regularly faced with the fact that "over there" came back with you and is something you may never be fully rid of.

Those who have experienced traumatic events on the basis of an isolated incident should understand how one moment affects them long past the reach of the actual circumstances that occurred. This is much more so the case with soldiers who live in a state of high stress for an entire year. I will credit the Army for putting alot of resources into trying to get soldiers the help they need to transition away from what they became to what they should be, and to transition back into a sort of highly-functioning brokenness. But the problem can not simply be counseled/drugged/ignored away. So the soldier is left doing the best they can.

It would be great if it were just a matter of grappling with mental struggles. Joblessness is also a factor.
Time says "In January of 2013, Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America surveyed our membership. In that snapshot of over 4,000 new vets, 16% said that they were unemployed. Of our members that are unemployed, 33.8% have been unemployed for longer than a year. More than 17% have been unemployed for more than two years. These data seem to indicate that the unemployment problem is about more than a period of transition to rest and spend time with family."
I am not going to dig into the veteran unemployment rate because that is way more complex than the stressors soldiers face. But I wouldn't be doing justice to my fellow soldiers if I didnt mention it.

So here you have Joe Soldier who is permanently mentally scarred (and hopefully not also physically) for the volunteer service he provided. He has learned technical skills, analytical thinking and on-the-spot decision making, and may have even earned a legit college degree. Yet this soldier still is a member of a group that has a higher unemployment rate than "civilians" when rejoining the civilian population. And the challenge presented to him by everyone, including himself, is to be "normal."

Its just not possible.

These soldiers are islands in a sea of people, isolated from the very thing they want to achieve by what their term of volunteer service has done to them. They are surrounded with examples of people living day in and day out with normal stress and problems and still making it, and they want to be like them so much. There just isn't a switch they can flip to erase the year(s) from their memory and make everything all better. But soldiers soldier on. Its what they were taught and they do it well, or as well as they can.


I guess I am really pointing this last one out to say that its not over once a soldier is out of the military and living as a civilian again. It may never be over. But by trying to hold down a steady job and behave like the people around them, they are at least doing their best to fit back in to a society that will never truly understand the dark places they have been.


I dont want special pity for the soldier, or special benefits or a ceremony or any kind of silly useless thing. I just want civilians to reach out to soldiers they know and make friends with them, because I believe that will be the glue that helps them hold it together when things really fall apart.

I hope this has been informative and helpful, and end by saying that all of this material is my opinion based on my knowledge and experience of what a deployed soldier deals with.


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Re: The soldier's life...

Post by ThroughTheWell » Thu Dec 26, 2013 1:33 pm

I can agree with the previous post.

I might quibble a bit. While I agree learning to kill does break one, soldiering can scar one, and there is a kind of monstering, I feel that these are all loaded terms to an extent. All of life changes us and we are never the same as we were. Yet, we have continuity and typicaly move on scales by degrees. So to say broken, yes, but not totaly so. Scarred, but not unrecognizable. Monstered, but not inhuman. Life is dificult, and soldiers do have special and particular issues. But I believe almost all soldiers retain their humanity, honnor, and sense of right and wrong. Working with these things that they have not lost, they can retain their capacities and memories and yes, live as normal, or normal enough. I also happen to think that old soldiers make exccelent sheepdogs to guard the flock against wolves. (Please understand that last statement is a compliment that encompasses an allegory that is not my own.) Understood in a new role as sheepdogs, they live successfuly with the flock, integrating all that they were, while not metastatizing monsterishly to full out wolves. This I consider an honorable role.

Big Ears, the Paladin in the webcomic we read, is NOT a monster. Even if he retired to the old goblin home, or stopped adventuring and started a young goblin family, I would not think less of him for his service. On the contrary, I'd think more highly of him. I'd also expect that his paladinly code of honor would aid him in both any time of future need, as well as helping him to settle down to the good things in life while dealing with whatever memories and stresses might plauge him.

Again, I pretty much agree. I just hate to hear words used which the ignorant may use to brand all soldiers as 'problems'.
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Re: The soldier's life...

Post by Davis8488 » Mon Feb 24, 2014 10:55 pm

I know a Reservist who's been twice to what he calls "the sandbox."

He has expressed his thoughts on PTSD. "Everyone who goes over there comes back with it. It's just some of us can function when we get back."
Six years after his second deployment he cannot watch most prime time television; he's said that whenever he sees a body on tv he smells burning flesh.
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Re: The soldier's life...

Post by SGTdude » Tue Feb 25, 2014 8:12 am

Yeah I would agree everyone comes back screwed up. Its sad though that some come back very damaged. You should encourage your friend to seek help through the V.A. becuase they have really stepped up their efforts to help OIF/OEF guys.
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