Episode 1: The Beginning and the Escape (10 pages)
Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 2
- Aegis J Hyena
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Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 2
So, there are writers in this forum and I thought, since I don't see a "subforum" for writing and the like, I'd post my epic pile of crap in fits and spurts (against my better judgement, but I can't get myself hyped up about this story anymore and I need positive feedback to continue it). I've gone through one editing pass but as we all know, "an author is blind to their own errors." So for your amusement, or more likely horror, I'll post one "scene" (or ten pages or so) every couple of days after I do a Civilization update. If you've got grammar pokings, give those to me in PMs so they don't spam the thread. Hopefully you guys will spot errors I may have missed. Earlier I was told the characters weren't believable, so I went back and reworked. Once I finish posting all 200 pages or so, I'll decide whether to continue onward or to start over with a new band that might be more believable or something. I'll call it PG-13 for the name calling that goes on in this scene.
Episode 1: The Beginning and the Escape (10 pages)
Episode 1: The Beginning and the Escape (10 pages)
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Last edited by Aegis J Hyena on Sun Oct 27, 2013 11:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 1
Thanks LAYF... hopefully I'll get more feedback than just you once I start posting more pieces.
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- madmartin26
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 1
It seems good to me so far. One thing i am curious about is if the queen is for some reason being more evil towards these prisoners than she usually is. Not that she couldn't be that evil normally, but in that case wouldn't her court mage either be used to it by now or have fled the country?
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 1
If by court mage you mean Kaydis (who's a cleric), things will become clearer with him later. I figure I'll get more feedback and readers here once I post another piece, probably tomorrow after the Civ update.
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 1
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 1
Nah, she's supposed to be that one-dimensional. The background nobles were nothing but set dressing, yeah. Vincent didn't want to risk getting killed (despite "other reasons" for her keeping them alive) or he probably would have.
I hadn't thought of it being a staged trial, especially with what she did to capture Vincent. In my next editing pass after this I'll think about it. (although I'll probably write another 200 pages first; this'll easily hit 1000 before I'm done)
I hadn't thought of it being a staged trial, especially with what she did to capture Vincent. In my next editing pass after this I'll think about it. (although I'll probably write another 200 pages first; this'll easily hit 1000 before I'm done)
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- ThroughTheWell
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 1
Reading that was unpleasant. It is not good. It needs major edits and rewrites.
Oh, we have a fanfic subforum off of comunity, which would be a better place for this than in games.
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I survived the forum move 4 times... yeah, I feel old.
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 1
Thanks for the input, TTW; I'm sure when I -finally- finish this thing (if I continue it after the 200 pages are put up) I'll go back and do a few major rewrites. First the thing gets written, then it gets cleaned up. Though, I'm surprised you think the character names aren't distinct.
I had not thought of a "pan of the prisoners" to slip in more detailed descriptions --- that'll be something to throw in for the next rewrite for sure.
As for Roig, get used to it. I know it's a bit cliche. It's meant to be, especially for him. I'll clean it up in a rewrite later but for now, the chunks go up as I've got 'em.
I had not thought of a "pan of the prisoners" to slip in more detailed descriptions --- that'll be something to throw in for the next rewrite for sure.
As for Roig, get used to it. I know it's a bit cliche. It's meant to be, especially for him. I'll clean it up in a rewrite later but for now, the chunks go up as I've got 'em.
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 1
Two things TTW, One some of your scene comments are more cinematic than literary (Observation not complaint).ThroughTheWell wrote:Reading that was unpleasant. It is not good. It needs major edits and rewrites.
Oh, we have a fanfic subforum off of comunity, which would be a better place for this than in games.► Show Spoiler
And two, were you expecting more descriptive world building than provided by the author? Personally I've veered towards the bare minimum description school more recently but that's just because I've found my own, rather descriptive writing style, to be too wordy.
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 1
I normally like being more descriptive than this. Sometimes my descriptions can span four or five paragraphs. I was trying something different here.
Anyway, next part sometime today. They escaped, now it's time to find out just where they ended up...
Anyway, next part sometime today. They escaped, now it's time to find out just where they ended up...
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 1
TTW: There's a difference between "being blunt" and "being rude" in critique - staying on the right side of that line will keep our forum as the friendly and welcoming place for all that we like it to be, hmm?
I'll read it soon, Aegis, but haven't got round to it yet.
I'll read it soon, Aegis, but haven't got round to it yet.
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 1
And here we go with Episode 2: The Lich's Tower (13 pages)
Criticism/comments welcome, of course.
Criticism/comments welcome, of course.
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 2
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- ThroughTheWell
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 1
Aegis may be a nice person, but when a person explicitly ask for criticism, I give it to them. To do less is a disservice to the requestor. Also, it is my opinion that a certain strength of words is necessary to convey a strength to a criticism, less it be ignored as one of many merely optional mild improvements. If I am read like that, this will continue to be a bad piece of writing requireing additional edits which will inevitably come back around to the original criticisms. Why waste everybody's time?nikohl wrote:TTW: There's a difference between "being blunt" and "being rude" in critique - staying on the right side of that line will keep our forum as the friendly and welcoming place for all that we like it to be, hmm?
Quarg, no, my comments are not coming from a theatric or movie point of view. I expect a consistent story that does not whip my head back and forth with inconsistencies that leave me with unnecessary questions. I am quite happy to have either a lushly detailed world or a sparsly worded setting. Both can be done well.
I've been reading some nice books by Lois McMaster Bujold lately, which has exposed me to 'good' writing. One had 2+ rape scenes. The contrast is startling. I've been a reader all of my life, having read published books across the spectrum. This is not ready to submit to an editor yet, because it has too many issues. Instead of adding extra pages to this, it needs less pages (1/3 or 1/2) because there really is too much to comment on in 10 whole pages. That might need a different scene that can fit into that length though.
I think though I will not read any more of this, for a variety of reasons.
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 2
Thinks --- yeah, the story opened with them trudging in chains to the throne room; my original thought was to make the reader go "what did they do to get in trouble" so in effect some action was "missed" --- then we find she has other plans... As for the plate mail... Roig'd tear them apart chains or not, otherwise (I'm pretty sure) but I wanted to make things seem "extra serious". The guards mostly background noise anyway, they weren't meant to be focused on or thought about so I thought I could get away with it. Not saying anything about Queen Revvenaxia yet. As for the "crumb" you're looking for, that comes later, when Vincent and company find out what exactly she's up to... (which should be in the next update, if not the one after).
TTW: Of -course- it's nowhere near ready for an editor That's why I posted it here, so it could be torn apart before I could put it back together properly. I know it's shit. *quickly adds an edit* After the 200 pages are posted, maybe I'll start fresh from scratch keeping all the comments I see here in mind. Thinks brings up some good points about the Queen making "empty" threats... or empty sounding ones, at any rate...
TTW: Of -course- it's nowhere near ready for an editor That's why I posted it here, so it could be torn apart before I could put it back together properly. I know it's shit. *quickly adds an edit* After the 200 pages are posted, maybe I'll start fresh from scratch keeping all the comments I see here in mind. Thinks brings up some good points about the Queen making "empty" threats... or empty sounding ones, at any rate...
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 2
Another 13 pages. This chunk has several scene shifts; if it's "jarring", I apologize, it will be fixed in a future edit. Feast (or torture) your eyes on Episode 3: Roig, Razor, and Life Stories
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 2
So my main point I guess is that you need to balance the mystery (good) against confusion (bad). Maybe you could shift the narrative voice to a prisoner's perspective so we can see the events through their eyes if that would work? It gives you more scope at least to show emotions and if there's confusion it's legitimate because the character doesn't know what's going on yet. Right now, the confusing aspects break my suspension of disbelief and I'm not grabbed enough by the story to want to read more, which is not great. So work on making the plot hook really grabby. Make me want to read the rest of the storyAegis J Hyena wrote:Thinks --- yeah, the story opened with them trudging in chains to the throne room; my original thought was to make the reader go "what did they do to get in trouble" so in effect some action was "missed" --- then we find she has other plans... As for the plate mail... Roig'd tear them apart chains or not, otherwise (I'm pretty sure) but I wanted to make things seem "extra serious". The guards mostly background noise anyway, they weren't meant to be focused on or thought about so I thought I could get away with it. Not saying anything about Queen Revvenaxia yet. As for the "crumb" you're looking for, that comes later, when Vincent and company find out what exactly she's up to... (which should be in the next update, if not the one after).
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- Aegis J Hyena
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 2
Let's try this again, as the forum went briefly dead while I was trying to post...
The teleport -is- a Deus Ex. Otherwise there'd be no story period insert plot of Star Trek Voyager here
Roig's not a runt. But he's not dumb enough to attack the Queen in her sanctum.
I'll probably post one more at 16 pages (which encompasses two combats) and that'll be it then, seems like interest is not terribly there for this thing in its current state. Thanks for the input, Thinks
The teleport -is- a Deus Ex. Otherwise there'd be no story period insert plot of Star Trek Voyager here
Roig's not a runt. But he's not dumb enough to attack the Queen in her sanctum.
I'll probably post one more at 16 pages (which encompasses two combats) and that'll be it then, seems like interest is not terribly there for this thing in its current state. Thanks for the input, Thinks
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- thinkslogically
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 2
So if hes not dumb enough to attack, why does he?
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 2
Should have rephrased... not dumb enough to attack to kill (and thus have -everyone- on his ass rather than just a small group he can deal with), but sure try to put her in her place after that "can't get it erect" remark before getting kicked to his knees...
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- thinkslogically
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 2
Yeah, so ANY attack on a monarch should be treated as attempted regicide. If the attacker is stopped by guards then who's to say what his intentions were originally? The punishment should be the same a if he'd actually killed her. Worse, probably. And anyone who flies off the handle like that regarding a penis comment (which is far too crass to have come out a queens mouth anyway) is going to have seen a lot more trouble by then anyway and must know what's going to happen if he reacts like that... You CANT do something like that and expect to get away with it.
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- Aegis J Hyena
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 2
He wouldn't have, normally... but there's a little deus ex side thing --- this group's "chosen by fate" --- the Queen did say she can't kill them outright while talking to Roig, there -has- to be a climactic battle between "a" group of heroes (Vincent's) and the "dragon violating divine law" (Revvenaxia).
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 1
My comments were an attempt to solicit some more thoughts on the world building from you...but you seem to be in a defensive mood so forget it.ThroughTheWell wrote:
Quarg, no, my comments are not coming from a theatric or movie point of view. I expect a consistent story that does not whip my head back and forth with inconsistencies that leave me with unnecessary questions. I am quite happy to have either a lushly detailed world or a sparsly worded setting. Both can be done well.
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Re: Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode -0
Alright, last one since people have effectively opined that it's so terrible it can't be looked at Episode 3: Trouble On The Road
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